scattered thoughts..

make believe by ezra.

092706.8:38PM

bati na kmi ni BF bureyts last sunday. after almost 2 months of not talking. i’m glad it’s all over. 

by the way, thanks for the grand gesture. ehehe. i totally love it!

check out my newly designed blogbug.

http://www.floatwithmefloatwithme.blogspot.com/

you get used to things being there. and being not.

you notice sometimes, but you realize.. that’s life.

you can choose to deal with it or not.

This is what I hate about being a woman. Having my period.

This is probably why my patience is really short this week. It might have contributed to the blown fuse that made me torture my keyboards and say all those things to reina. But it was waiting to happen, so let’s not blame entirely my period on that.

Last month, two weeks before my period, I had a lump on my left breast that was really painful. Period side effects! Grrrr. A week before that period, I was crying my eyes out for every single stupid reason. Hormones! My eyes we’re swollen every damn morning and I couldn’t do anything to stop the crying. Not to mention the deathly painful dysmenorrhea (how do you spell it?) every month.

Raaaahhhh! Being a woman is DIFFICULT!!! Can you imagine going through this EVERY SINGLE MONTH???!!!

If I were I man, I would very gladly welcome a lump in my chest. Who doesn’t want a guy with a meaty chest, right?

When I look back, if I have been a bit more patient and non-caring (like my usual self), this bitch fight with my bestfriend wouldn’t have erupted like this. If I were I guy, I would have just punched reina (assuming that he’s also male) in the face while she was hysteric and we would have made up in the morning. But NO! we have to be WOMEN and be all emotional and drag this until the feeling is right again!

I would have traded one time circumcision for 40 years of this bleeding uterus! And I tell you, the hormones are not just in our minds, it controls us. It’s like I’m possessed or something. No wonder they thought of women as possessed everytime they had their period in the old days. NO WONDER!
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So in my next life, I’ll ask to be a man, we’ll see how difficult it is to be one. And then when I’m sure that being a woman is a hell of a lot worse, I WILL poke any man I know in the eye everytime I hear them whine. Bet your life on it!

1. a DIGICAM.

Olympus or Canon. At least 5MP. Stylish and funky.

2. a DVD PLAYER.

Has DIVX. Doubles as an MP3 player. Has an FM station. Can be used for games. Can play all regions. Has mike and USB outlets. Has to be stylish and sturdy. Better if it’s portable.

Already bought this one, last Tuesday. Philipps. Beautiful and on SALE! 40% off! not portable,though. but i still love it!

3. a LAPTOP.

I’m not really blessed with laptop knowledge so I don’t really know what brand is good. But I want it to have a huge monitor (coz I’m going blind, you see.). Can write on CDs/DVDs. Has the latest software installed. Can play DVDs of all regions. WIFI enabled. I just want it to be cute.

4. a TV.

I already have a TV. Bought it for P 3,500.00 from a friend’s cousin. It’s a Samsung 17 inch flat screened tube. Not a bad buy.

5. a good LIFE INSURANCE PACKAGE.

I’m still asking my mom about where to get it considering that my mom’s been in the life insurance biz for a couple of decades, I think. So she knows about that stuff. I should to, my resume says I’ve worked for at least 3 life insurance companies. Haha. I don’t trust myself, that’s why. This is gonna be an added expense for the next 5 years. *arrrgh.

6. a CHARMED series DVD set. ANY SEASON.

I’ve watched Charmed since it started when I was in highschool. I’ve lost touch after college graduation. The schedule was just too tight for me. So, I’m hoping to catch up.

7. a TRIP to AFRICA.

I don’t really know where I wanna go. I just want to be dissolved in a new environment. Soaked in a foreign land’s culture. That kinda stuff. I’ve been wanting to go to Africa. I wanna see how life is, there. It’s different when you see it with your own eyes, most people say. I wanted to work for UN but my mom’s friend who works there said that I’m under aged. I guess I have to wait a few years.

8. meet OPRAH.

I know this is kinda improbable but that’s why it’s on the wish list, right? I’ve been watching Oprah my whole life. She has helped me through a lot. I really, and I mean, REALLY look up to her. I often daydream about going to Chicago and meeting her. Not necessarily on her show. I just wanna meet her before any of us dies, you know. She’s a legend and I wanna meet a legend. *sigh. Wishful thinking.

9. an IPOD. Or an MP4. what the hell is the difference.

10. a free CAR.

I always imagine myself winning a car. Considering my pay, I can never afford a decent car. At least here in the Philippines. I can’t believe there are $ 200 worth of cars in the states. *arggh. I must be born in the wrong country. Whatever. I’m still proud to be a Filipino. Back to the car. So I want a FREE CAR. Take note, FREE. I wanna win it or something so I can give it to my mom. I swear to God, even if it’s a Porsche and so damn beautiful, I’d still give it to her. She deserves it. Besides, I can’t drive. Hah!

11. a PENSION PLAN.

So I can chill when I’m older.

12. A house and lot here in MAKATI.

Yeah. I am dreaming. Get the hell off my case. This is my WISHLIST. Go make your own and stop laughing at mine.

13. 1 week supply of YAKULT. Minimum of 2 packs a day. That’s 10 units per pack.

It’s my favorite. It’ll be nice of someone to give me something I like.. LOVE. And it’s the cheapest in the list too! So come on, don’t hesitate!

14. an ELECTRONIC DICTIONARY

I just want one. What’s your problem?!

15. a COOL MOBILE PHONE.

I’m not really sure what is cool right now, but if I can have one, I want one.

16. I want to go CRUISING.

In a boat! Not the other thing, perverts.

17. a STARBUCKS date with someone INTERESTING.

18. a POETRY especially made for me.

I think I’ve had this before. And I miss it. It’s romantic, what do you care?

http://floatwithmefloatwithme.blogspot.com/2006/06/digi-dilemma.html

They think I don’t have you. But oh, they are wrong. They couldn’t be more wrong. I used to think so myself but you knocked me back to my senses. In the clarity of my mind, you exposed yourself. Bared everything I’ve been meaning to see and feel. I couldn’t comprehend how it happened that you have always been with me. I was confused, maybe I still am and I tried to substantiate your existence by trying to come up with a concrete rationalization of how you moved me, but I can’t. So I dare not define you. ‘coz you have caught me offguard. you come in many forms. Blend so inconspicuously. I almost didn’t recognize you. Before you came, I thought I knew what your existence meant. I was being confident. I don’t know a thing.  I can’t classify you, put you in one box. You are so much bigger than that. So much more complicated despite the notion of your simplicity. I’d like to think I chose you, but the coincidence of my world conspiring to meet yours is much more than my doing. You are beyond my control.  I have tried so many times to define how you’ve enchanted me, but I end up with all the wrong explanations. Wrong conclusions. I challenge not your existence for fear of losing you. I want to believe how real you are, how real you make me feel. I wasn’t aware that you can do all these things to me. Make me fly and drown at the same time. I ran out of breath just thinking about you. How your presence and absence put me on the edge. Constantly taunting me. Making me cry for a million different wonderful reasons. I still think I can go on without you. I can. But I choose not to. You turn my world in circles and I’d rather have that, than not be moved at all. Sometimes I don’t understand. Actually, most of the time. I’ve given up on trying to have an absolute explanation of what you are. I can’t define you. How can I not define you? Have I become so stupid that all reasons have escaped me? or maybe, just maybe… I need no reason to have you. Wouldn’t that be a happy thought. all I know is that what you are, is more than my earthly mind could justify. It’s how you make me feel. I can’t explain it. You make me cry and laugh at the same time. If I didn’t know it was your doing, I’d say I was crazy. There is no second that you have left my mind. I can’t escape you no matter how I try. I remember how you made my insides flutter everytime you glimpsed my way and gave me that knowing smile. I still feel that way. Everytime. Oh how you make me feel. It’s everything at the same time. It’s the little things that make me smile, though. How you always manage to make me feel special no matter how useless I can sometimes feel. And you don’t even have to say anything to make me feel that way. It’s the way you whisper in my ear just before I fall deep into slumber. How you watch me sleep and keep me safe until I open my eyes to see you once more. How you dismiss all my imperfections and focus on me. It doesn’t matter how ugly I can be, you always make me feel beautiful. And when I worry about anything or anyone.., I just think about you and realize that what really matters to me is what you think. Nothing else. Just as long as you’re in me, I am safe. Many times I have felt so alone. Sometimes, scared out of my wits.  All those times, I’ve held on to you. You kept me company. Kept me safe. I thought you would let go one time and I never felt more in pain. I wanted to let go myself but I couldn’t. it would hurt more to see you go. You are that one thing that makes me breathe. Move. I didn’t think anything or anyone can do that. Especially to me, considering everything I’ve gone through. Still, now I am stronger. I’ve prepared myself in case the world conspires to take you away from me. Fear makes you do that. But you are stronger than fear. So for now, I will linger in your arms. I will let you cradle me until the thought of the possibility that you can fade disappears. Then I will be a child again. Where I will believe that I can have everything if I just pray hard enough.

And I will hold you in my arms and never let go.